In Honor Of ‘Hitman: Agent 47,’ Here's A Ranking Of All 47 ‘Hitman: Agent’ Movies
Of everything I've ever written, this particular piece holds the record for being the one I hear about the most that I personally don't think of that fondly. And it's actually been brought up quite a few times recently as a piece I should bring back from internet erasure. To be fair, I don't think of it in a negative way. It's just one of those pieces that, if I remember correctly, I was basically told I needed to "post something" on that particular day, and this is what came out.
Starring Rupert Friend as the title character, Hitman: Agent 47 was released on August 21st, 2015, the same day this piece first graced the internet. (You're welcome.) The two toughest months for writing about movies are January and August – there's just not a lot going on. So, in an attempt to be creative, I was trying to pretend that the title of this movie was actually Hitman: Agent and this was the 47th installment – as opposed to the movie being about an agent with the code number of 47. And that it was finally time to rank all the prior films in the series, which, in my new universe I created, apparently started all the way back in 1959. A movie that starred William Holden and Joey Bishop.
I do remember thinking this was a somewhat amusing idea, until I got to around the 16th fictional Hitman: Agent movie and realized I still had 30 of these still to go. And I had to keep the plots and lore straight of this 47-film franchise that does not exist.
Speaking of, the actual Hitman: Agent 47 would make $82 million at the box office, yet that's where it ends. There is no Hitman: Agent 48. Though, in my fictional universe, these had to keep going, right? (Perhaps we can get an updated ranking soon?) If 47 Hitman: Agent movies were made between 1959 and 2015, that means one movie came out every year and a couple months. Meaning, we are at least up to Hitman: Agent 56 by now. There's no way Glen Powell hasn't done a Hitman: Agent movie. Powell literally starred in a movie called Hit Man, which, in my universe, is his meta commentary on starring in Hitman: Agent 53.
By the way, if you do like this post, I want to point out this one was particularly difficult to resurrect. The Wayback Machine has been helpful in finding a lot of these old posts, but, for whatever reason, the version they have cuts off after only eight Hitman: Agent movies. This means there are 38 Hitman: Agent movies that were gone gone. The good news is, I still have the Macbook I was using in 2015 and, yes, it contains a Word document of the entire Hitman: Agent post. Complete with a bunch of helpful HTML code that I had to go through and delete manually.
A couple of notes re-reading this for the first time in over ten years: First, this is incredibly stupid. Second, I have no idea who "Cyrus the Bull" is and had to look this up, learning this is the bull that appeared with Matthew McConaughey in some car commercials. There's an Andrew McCarthy reference, and, little did I know at the time, seven years later he'd be standing in our apartment complaining about the price of Bruce Springsteen tickets (this is, somehow, a true story). Also, I'm not sure Quick Draw McGraw was a timely reference in 2015, let alone now.
So, after all that, here is the complete Hitman: Agent movie rankings as they originally appeared on August 21, 2015.
In Honor Of ‘Hitman: Agent 47,’ We Ranked All 47 ‘Hitman: Agent’ Movies
Hitman: Agent 47, the 47th installment of the Hitman: Agent series, hits theaters today. In honor of this long-running, beloved series, we decided to take a look back at the previous 46 Hitman: Agent movies and rank them from worst to best. Where will the new 47th cinematic adventure of the Hitman rank someday? Well, we will just have to wait and see.
Let us know if we misjudged your favorite Hitman: Agent movie. Did we rank one too high? Too low? Let us know!
46. Hitman: Agent 11 (1982) Al Pacino, Louise Fletcher
A complete money grab, only using unused footage from the filming of Hitman: Agent 10. Pacino, Fletcher and director Sidney Lumet sued the studio, eventually settling out of court for a still unspecified amount.
45. Hitman: Agent 3 (1965) Bob Hope, Bing Crosby
Unofficially the last of Hope and Crosby’s On the Road movies, it just couldn’t capture the tone of that beloved series coupled with the grittiness needed for a Hitman: Agent movie. Pure schlock.
44. Hitman: Agent 37 (2005) Jamie Foxx, Quick Draw McGraw
Directed by Clint Eastwood and animated using interpolated rotoscope, audiences weren’t ready for such a shift in visual tone, especially coming off Leonardo DiCaprio’s Golden Globe win for Hitman: Agent 36. At the first test screening, Eastwood was quoted as saying, “Wait, that was my movie? What?”
43. Hitman: Agent 30 (1998) Ben Affleck, Kyle Damon
Most notable for being the only on-screen pairing of Ben Affleck and Kyle Damon. A planned sequel starring Casey Affleck and Matt Damon was scrapped.
42. Hitman: Agent 19 (1987) Andrew McCarthy, Phoebe Cates
McCarthy did everything he could to break out of the “Brat Pack” persona, and he finally succeeded with the Hitman: Agent series and, to this very day, it’s what he’s most remembered for.
41. Hitman: Agent 26 (1994) Brendan Fraser, Kelly Preston
The baseball-themed plot proved disastrous as this was released after Major League Baseball players went on strike, canceling the World Series. Audiences showed so much disdain for this entry, Hitman: Agent 27 almost never happened. Can you even imagine a world in which Hitman: Agent 27 doesn’t exist?
40. Hitman: Agent 10 (1978) Al Pacino, Louise Fletcher
Production was famously shut down for weeks as director Sidney Lumet battled the harsh on-location setting of the Moon. As legend has it, star Al Pacino bellowed “hoo ah” for the first time in his life when he saw Earth from the Moon’s surface. During filming of Scent of a Woman, Pacino would use these memories in an effort to get into character.
