With Unlimited Money, What Movie Would We Make From Existing Unused IP?: Let’s Answer Some Electronic Mail

The Hard Pass turned six months old this week. In celebration, I commissioned some stickers with a logo that I spent way too long learning how to make. My goal was I wanted it to look "pleasant." Which, for me, is something that would be on an overpriced t-shirt for sale on a Caribbean island. (I wish scratch and sniff were an option.)

Here is what I learned: stickers are kind of expensive. Initially, I was going to send these only to gold tier members who want one, because I don't have enough to send to everybody. Then I came to the realization most people probably will not want a sticker. Anyway, if you want a sticker and if you are a paid subscriber, or become a paid subscriber, email me at mike@thehardpass.net and I will mail you a sticker. But only if you promise to stick it somewhere. If your plan is to burn it, please don't ask for one. That is wasteful.

Here is what it looks like:

Also, I do say this a lot but it is true: The Hard Pass only exists because of paying subscribers. Without paying subscribers, I would not have the time or resources (the "pay" part) to continue to write this newsletter. The sticker seems like a way I can try to give back? I am looking into getting t-shirts made, but that seems a lot more complicated. So let’s see how this goes first. Plus, as a paid subscriber you can read about my very strange night at The Rise of Skywalker premiere party (a bad movie) or the time Larry King called me a freak and asked if I was "a nerd."

It's been a few weeks since I answered reader mail. So let's do that now.

Let's say I am a person of unimaginable wealth who decides to get into the moviemaking business. If I were to approach you and say "I want you to revive/reboot one property from the past -OR- make a movie of some previously-unadapted concept, and I'll give you a blank check to hire whoever you want to make the most awesome [whatever] movie possible", what property are you choosing, and who are you bringing in to write/direct/star? – John

I wouldn't need that much money. I'd want to make a sequel to The Wedding Singer, but the only returning character is Glenn Gulia. The name of the movie is Gulia. It would be a low budget indie film with a lot of film grain and the score would just be "The Mighty Rio Grand" by This Will Destroy You over and over. Since The Wedding Singer is set 13 years before its 1998 release, Gulia would take place in 2013 with Matthew Glave reprising his role as Glenn Gulia. None of the marketing would at all hint that this had anything to do with The Wedding Singer.

This would be directed by Bennett Miller or Spike Jonze, both who have not directed a film in well over a decade, yet no one really talks about that for some reason. Set in Seattle, a city I've never been to so it would not at all depict Seattle in any realistic way whatsoever, Glenn Gulia has been down on his luck since an incident on a flight to Las Vegas involving Billy Idol 28 years before. Out of options, Glenn Gulia decides to rob a local bank. We spend about an hour of the movie on Glenn planning this robbery. He gets advice from a retired bank robber played by John Turturro.

On the day Glenn Gulia arrives to rob the bank, he discovers the bank is already being robbed and Glenn stops the robbery and becomes a hero. The bank rewards him with a substantial cash reward for his bravery. Glenn decides to take his money back to Las Vegas, the city that started all of his problems, and bet it all on craps. Two endings will be filmed. One in which Glenn wins and one in which Glenn loses. Audiences will have no choice which ending they will get. "Rebel Yell" plays over the end credits.

Gulia will premiere at the 2028 Sundance Film Festival to rave reviews, then will be released on the Roku Channel about a month later.

What was the coolest/best/most thoughtful or expensive swag you ever got from a movie promotion? – Ted

I got this question in June, before Alan Sepinwall started doing a recurring feature on swag. (Speaking of Alan, he has a book coming out soon on Rod Serling. I get an "acknowledgement" in this book. This is a good reason to buy this book. Well, at least for me it is.) Most of the swag sent these days are books. Nice books! Very elaborate making-of coffee table books. The kind of book that if you saw it on a coffee table in someone's home, you'd think, "Wow, no one knows more about the making of The Maestro than this person."

Most of it, we give away, which makes us very popular with our bartenders. Though, in 2019, we did get a Bounty Law lunchbox from Once Upon a Time in Hollywood I really like. This isn't really swag, but lately we've been enjoying taking the specialized drink menus from premiere parties, then displaying them at home for movie-themed events. I mean, how else will anyone ever experience a "The Bride and Groove" vodka drink from Power Ballad?

There's an Applebee's across from the Museum of Modern Image in Queens that we like to go to when we are in that area. People make fun of us for this, but when you live in New York City, going to places like Applebee's can actually be a fun treat. Also, if you are stuck in Times Square for any reason, which we are often when there are screenings at the AMC Empire, the Times Square Applebee's is your best option. I'll tell you why. When you walk in you will see a ton of tourists, which is not ideal. But, there's an upstairs. Upstairs is the bar. Sitting at that bar are mostly disgruntled locals waiting for their bus out of Port Authority. It's great.

Anyway, in 2023 Applebee's was the official partner of Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny. At the Applebee's in Queens, there was a huge cardboard cutout of Indiana Jones who would hang out with us while we were there. Finally, I asked what they were going to do with Indy and they said they were going to throw it away. I told them I would take it. I was told they would save it for me and to "call on Tuesday," the day the promotion ended. I called on Tuesday and I was told they threw it out, but it's still outside.

So, no, they did not save it for me. I hopped in a cab and it started storming. I got to Applebee's and Indy was out in the rain, mostly still okay, though. I got back in the cab, now with Indy. When we got back to Manhattan, the cab I was in got rear -ended. I did not fee like waiting so, there I am on 1st Avenue, in the rain, removing a large Indiana Jones cardboard cutout out of a cab and trying to hail a new cab. Anyway, this is now in the movie room of our apartment.

Have you interviewed Tom Holland? What's that like? – Rachel

I have interviewed Tom Holland three times, and I remember him being nice, yet none of these interviews are online anymore. I went back and looked at all three of them and one of them is truly one of the most awkward interview situations I've ever been in. I'll explain...

(The Hard Pass only exists because of paying subscribers and I do need to have posts just for them. If you decide to become a paying subscriber today, you will also get to read the story I was told about Tom Cruise that is now my favorite Tom Cruise story, approaching Philip Seymour Hoffman to ask him about Along Came Polly, and the time Larry King called me a "freak" and asked if I was "a nerd.")